Search for the horcruxes
by xperfectsonnetx
Summary: This is a story, with no dialogue....Its just me typing something that I find hilarious...If you're easily offended...don't read it...I like elipses....a lot...seriously.....check it.......o..ut.....


This takes place after the sixth book…I don't claim to be J.K. Rowling, this story is just me writing something I find funny… 

Harry is now on the hunt for the final four horcruxes….

Cold…and wet…Harry lay, like a beggar in the gutter… Wearing ragged clothes, looking as though he'd been through hell and back. He was outside a dark house…Not belonging to a muggle, but a dark wizard… Harry had been spying on this wizard for quite some time now. Harry believed that this man had access to a horcrux. This evil dark wizard, with a high pitched voice, insanely narrow nose, and cheek bones close to his forehead, was non other than Michael Jackson… Many of you may not believe me, but its true. He is a dark wizard, how do you think he got so white… Its not makeup. Only dark, dark magic can change the pigment of your skin that dramatically. When Michael hit the lights to go to bed, Harry moved in… Harry managed to get in through a window, and he made his way to Michael's room. When Harry opened the door, horror hit his eyes. MaCaulay Culkin was in Michael Jackson's bedroom… Harry stupefied MaCaulay, and held Michael at wand point, before he could get to his. After interrogating Michael, and casting spells on him to get information about the horcrux, Michael finally spilled. The horcrux was his nose. It wasn't really his nose, it was fake… It was hollow, and on the inside was a raven's claw, that had previously belonged to Ravenclaw himself. Harry quickly kicked Jackson in the mangina, and had the ministry pick up the petafile…  
A month after he found the fourth horcrux, he was still on the hunt, but took some time to the side for himself… He had been stupidly dating the most annoying girl in the entirety of the human race… Ginny Weasley. After a invigorating herbology lesson, Harry could not keep his mind off of Ginny… Her horrid face with scratches from the lesson, her anything but subtle mustache glistening with sweat. He couldn't take it any longer…The man with no taste, and who should be going out with Hermione instead, swept away Ginny, and they hid, and locked themselves in the prefect bathroom. Harry quickly conjured a condom out of thin air from a spell he learned from the Half Blood Prince…Funny thing was, the Prince never made use of this spell, because the only thing he had sex with was his hand…oh Snape…Ginny took off her pants, exposing an extraordinarily large amount of hair, messier than Harry's head, bushier than Hermione's, and more than Hagrid had on his head.. After ten seconds Harry was about to…splupboosh…and just before he did…He felt something hard…He didn't pay any attention at first, then he hit it again, making a tink noise, and hurting his penis…He asked Ginny what she had up her vagina… She said she didn't know…Her parents refused to tell her, they just said it was put in when she was 5. Harry took it out, and it was a glass jar…containing…a uterus…. Harry looked at the top of the jar, and on the top of the lid, written on the top it read "Helga Hufflepuff's Uterus…Avoid if possible… rinks of wet badger… On the bottom of the jar, it had instructions… These were not from Voldemort, or Helga…It was from Ginny's parents…They had no idea what it was, but they were told by Dumbledore to put it in…They thought it was Dumbledore, but it was actually Voldemort servant…Pettigrew…he was Ron's pet, and one night he ran off, and hid… He started a Polyjuice potion, and waited until it was done, he then turned to Dumbledore, and gave the jar to the Weasley's and told them what to do… The jar's instructions said: Step 1: Destroy this uterus. Step 2: Kill who ever carried the uterus. Because if they had the fate of carrying this awful thing, no one must've like them… After reading this Harry quickly threw the uterus onto the floor, and grabbed Ginny by the head, and began to beat her head against the uterus, crushing her skull, and the third horcrux… Harry had killed Ginny…He had to get out…As he was getting up from the filthy mess, Ron walked into the room. Freaking out because Ron planned on sweeping Ginny away to Arkansas, or West Virginia in the states where incest isn't as frowned upon…He ran towards Harry, but slipped on his sister's brain matter, and fell to the floor, cracking his skull open. Harry wasn't going to bother getting Madame Pomfrey, because he knew no matter how pathetic his attempt, Ron would still come after him…  
Harry was now on the hunt for the second Horcrux… This horcrux would hit closer to home…. Harry had left Hogwarts after he killed Ginny, and continued his search for the horcruxes. Little did he know that one was under his nose the entire time…or should I say, under his waist line… One lonely day, while Harry was staying at the Leaky Cauldron, Harry had an urge. So Harry went out to the news stand in Diagon Alley, picked up a copy of "Vaginal Veela" a wizard porno magazine. He ran back to the Leaky Cauldron, and began to beat off. As he was yanking the tank, he noticed something underneath his ball sack. It was a mini dark mark. Harry had never noticed it before, and he quickly realized what this meant. It was his left ball sack…IT WAS A HORCRUX! He refused to do it. He couldn't even think of destroying his ball sack…how could he. Then someone burst through his bedroom door. It was Romilda Vane. She jumped to Harry, and he without hesitation, grabbed his book, happy that he had kept after these years, "The Monster Book of Monsters." Rather than have to fuck something as repulsive, he grabbed the book, put it near his balls, and it ate away at his testicles. Screaming from the pain, but relieved at the same time, he fixed his wounds, and ran from the Leaky Cauldron.  
Several months after he lost his nut, and no luck with the horcrux he felt he struck gold. Harry found the final horcrux. It was non other than the man who directed two movies about his life. Harry thought these movies were good, until Alfonso Cauron, and Mike Newell directed two other films about him. Harry's final horcrux to destroy was Christopher Columbus. At the time, Columbus was directing "Artemis Fowl," one of Harry's favorite books. Fearing that Columbus may fuck it up, and make it a childish movie, Harry acted quickly, grabbed the chair from underneath Columbus, and bashed his head in with it. Now all that was left for Harry to do was find Voldemort, and kill him.

THERE IS MORE TO COME...AND THE COLUMBUS PART WILL EITHER BE CUT, OR EXTENDED BECAUSE I JUST WANTED TO SEE PEOPLE'S REACTION TO MY STORY SO FAR...


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